It was a typical cool December evening for “Scooter” at his home that night. He had just taken his son, “Scooter, Jr.”, downstairs to put him to bed when he heard the rushed voice of his wife, “Tamara”. She came into the downstairs bedroom proclaiming, “THERE’S A BIRD FLYING AROUND THE HOUSE UPSTAIRS!!!!” Now, Scooter, being the man of the house, knew he was the one who had to take action. However, never having faced this situation before, he was unsure of how to go about this. But he knew he had to take care of this situation as Tamara had taken refuge in the downstairs bedroom with Scooter Jr. and barricaded herself in there. Scooter knew he couldn’t return to the bedroom and settle in for a good nights sleep until this dilemma was resolved.
Scooter knew he wouldn’t be able to, or want to, catch this creature with his bare hands. So he grabbed the nearest weapon of opportunity before heading upstairs... a broom. Scooter didn’t want to hurt the magestic creature that was lurking upstairs, but he figured he could use the broom to “guide” the bird outside of the house. He opened the front door at the base of the stairs then precariously and slowly headed up the stairs to encounter the creature that was waiting for him.
As Scooter reached the top of the stairs, it came from out of nowhere... SWOOOSH! The creature made a death rush at him. Scooter ducked and instinctively held the broom up to protect himself. It was over in an instant, and Scooter could not tell what type of creature had flown past him, but he was quite sure it was a bird. Having narrowly avoided the creatures first pass, he continued on to find this creature. As he made he way to the upstairs living room, he made eye contact with the creature, as is was perched on the ceiling fan. There was a tense standoff for a few seconds, neither one ready to make the next move.
Scooter approached the creature, broom raised at the ready. At first the creature didn’t flinch, then suddenly it took off. It flew to the other end of the hallway, then turned and was heading straight back at Scooter. Once again, Scooter raised the broom in self defense. The creature then landed on a picture frame on the bookshelf that was holding a picture of Scooter’s family. There it sat, just hovering on top of the family, proclaiming its superiority over them. Scooter went after the creature, but it avoided his attempts to guide it down the stairwell and returned to its perch on top of the ceiling fan.
Scooter turned on the ceiling fan to prevent the creature from landing on it. Scooter also closed the downstairs door and opened a window in the upstairs living room hoping to lure the creature out the window to no avail as the window opening was low and the creature liked to fly around at ceiling level. At one point the creature still attempted to land on the moving ceiling fan and Scooter heard a thump. Scooter thought he had hurt the bird and went into the living room to look on the floor to see if the bird had been hurt. But after scouring the floor, he did not see the creature. When suddenly the creature made it’s second death rush at him. Apparently the bird wasn’t that injured after all. The back and forth continued for another ten minutes before Scooter realized this approach wasn’t going to work. (Tamara would later recount hearing the footsteps back and forth as her husband was engaged in battle.)
Well, Scooter was a modern man. And what would a modern man do in a situation like this? He took refuge in the den and started searching the internet for ways to remove a bird from the house. The first article mentioned using a lacy curtain to snag the creature if you didn’t have a net. Scooter had neither a net nor a lacy curtain, so he grabbed the closet thing he could find... a bedsheet. Scooter went back to face the creature, holding a broom in one hand and a bedsheet in the other. As the creature flew towards him this time, he threw the bedsheet at the creature. However the creature was very nimble and avoided the makeshift net. This too went on for a short while. Everytime the bird flew, Scooter would try to snarl the bird only to fail. The “net” ended up in all sorts of places, down the stairwell, behind the TV, etc..
Scooter again took refuge in the den, and continued to search the internet. One article mention turning off all the lights to lure the bird out the window where there was light. But it was nighttime. When Scooter turned out the lights, the creature took on almost mythogical properties as it flew through the darkened house. Scooter abandonend this effort quickly and turned the lights back on.
Wondering how long this epic battle was going to continue, Scooter had a “bright” idea. There was a window in the upstairs bathroom that was high, at ceiling level. If he could just lure the creature into the bathroom, perhaps there was a chance the creature would finally find his escape and spare both of them. So Scooter turned on the light in the bathroom and opened the window. Scooter then turned off all the lights again, this time however, there was a little light from the bathroom that allowed Scooter to see the creature. After a couple chases, the creature took the bait and flew into the bathroom. Scooter had to muster all the agility and speed he had to get to the bathroom door and close it before the creature flew out of the small room. In a move that even Indiana Jones would have been proud of, Scooter managed to get the door closed.
Scooter then returned to the den to do more casual internet surfing, allowing the creature time to leave. Scooter knew he had to return to the bathroom to see if the creature had indeed left, but was still afraid the creature was just lurking, waiting for him to open the door so it could make another death lunge at him. Scooter took his bedsheet net and hung it from the top of the door so that if the creature was still there it would block his escape. Slowly he cracked the door, listening for any signs of flapping. Then he cracked the door a little more to where he could just see into the room. Nothing. Now he had to enter the room to verify the creature had left. As he entered the room, he closed the door behind him. There would be no escape for the creature... or him. But alas, the room was empty, the creature had conceded defeat and left.
Scooter, having his manlyhood restored by defeating the creature, securely locked the window and straightened up the mess caused by the epic battle of Man Vs. Bird. He returned downstairs where Tamara and Scooter Jr. had been hiding and proclaimed his victory, settling in for a good nights sleep.
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